I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Randomize
