we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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