How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
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He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
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My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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