my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
