I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
