If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
