just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.