She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.