We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.