Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Randomize
