My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I wish you could order shots online.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
