I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
