Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
