Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
