I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
