I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
