My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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