saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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