Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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