last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
