Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
