The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
not ubering you a puppy
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
