if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
