i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
