1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I will pee on everything he values.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES