Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.