if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
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her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
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Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas