3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
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I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
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I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.