Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
