Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
