If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
