No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Randomize
