Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
