There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
