Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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