Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Randomize
