Kiss
Puke
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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