I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
