oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
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