i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
