I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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