I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
