I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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