wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
