peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
