I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
