Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
