she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
