can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
