the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I just had sex on a roof
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
