Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Randomize
