a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
