The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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