Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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