I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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