Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
