Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
