like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
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