I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize