The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
