Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
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