I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
